my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
