Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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