She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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