butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
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