I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
