I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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