um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
