im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
