And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
