Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
