i'm lost and i look like a hooker
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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