My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
