I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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