Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
