You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
