For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
