you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
