JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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