I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I need a burrito and a hug.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
