I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
