Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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