Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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