Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
