She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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