I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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