I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
