bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
