I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
two words...techno handjob
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
