i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
