We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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