I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
