I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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