please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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