Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Randomize
