I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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