i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
