I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
