My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I party with great urgency now.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
