I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
