When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
