I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
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