Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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