Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
