oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
