you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
my phone needs a breathalizer
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
