Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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