So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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