I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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