It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
