burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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