Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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